be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
