My sheets look like a crime scene.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Randomize
