Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
