I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Randomize
