I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
