Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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