while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
