It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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