she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
