I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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