Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
It's never too late to be topless.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Randomize
