Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
now i know why i became what i already was.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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