: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
