If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Randomize
