1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I am mentally ready for anal.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
