ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
