don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Randomize
