Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
