then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
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