We're facebook friends in real life
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
