pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
