You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
