New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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