we have officially lost it.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
