We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
You can't just leave with hair like that
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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