There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
