dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
organizing the empties. That sober.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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