Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
