Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I just found puke in my bra..
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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