Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
