dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
