i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
