Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
