I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
