Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
