Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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