I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
