so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Randomize
