is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Randomize
