i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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