the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
