I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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