We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
