i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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