Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Randomize
