Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Oh god it's open bar.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
