This is not my ceiling
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
