i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
They took my balls.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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