theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I'm determined to sit on that face.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Randomize
