it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
